Vanessa

Vanessa is in her early forties. She is married with two young children. She is feeling overwhelmed and highly stressed in her role at work.

Vanessa has a senior role in a new programme being developed by her organisation. The work is demanding and her days are long. When she arrives home, she needs to be supportive of her partner and care for her children. Managing a home and dealing with all the life admin for a family is also demanding.

She often feels exhausted. Her sleep has become disrupted, and she is too tired to exercise.

Vanessa has held senior roles before and has a solid track record. She has performed well in high-level positions and has a good professional reputation.

Now, in this new role in an innovative programme, Vanessa is keen to demonstrate her skills and abilities. It is important to her to be seen to be doing a good job.

But when Vanessa comes for counselling, she is distressed. Through tears, she says she feels like a failure.

She is becoming short and angry with colleagues some days. The stress overflows at home too. She fights with her partner and is impatient with her children. When she gets angry at other people, she feels guilty — a failure as a partner, a parent and a colleague.

Vanessa shares that she is crying often at home, and sometimes at work. She hates crying at work. It makes her feel incompetent and she worries about being judged. Her distress compounds her stress.

She finds it hard to cope with the sheer volume of work she is required to manage. External contractors let her down, and their delays make her look ineffective. She feels behind all the time and is struggling to meet deadlines. Management are not in touch with how she is feeling, and she feels unheard when she tries to raise the workflow issues that are causing delays.

In her distressed state, Vanessa’s internal self-talk becomes an attack on herself and her abilities.

“It must be me. I am not coping. I am hopeless. Other people would be able to get the work done on time. Why did I think I could do this job? I am just not up to it. I feel like a fraud, and I’m frightened other people will see me as incompetent.”

Her self-attack is harsh and her self-worth plummets. Vanessa is taking things personally.

She says she thinks she will have to give up the job.

When you listen to what Vanessa says in the counselling session, can you hear what floors of her House Within she is occupying?

Many people feel when they have a task they wish to succeed at, they need to approach it from the Upstairs state of mind. They believe that striving and stressing are the only way to take on big tasks in life.

Emotionally, they start from a negative state of mind belonging to the Basement.

“I am taking on this new role. I may not be able to do it. I want to prove I can.”

Then they take their work to the Upstairs floor.

“I strive and I strive. I over-stress. I over-think. I compare myself to others. I worry about what other people think of how I am performing.”

They want to prove to the world, and to their self-doubting Basement state of mind, that they can succeed.

They see the role as a test. They want to prove to themselves and others that they can do the job and do it well. They seek external confirmation that their work is good, to override the internal self-doubt that belongs to their Basement.

If they do succeed, they feel elated. But their success has been externally defined. For Vanessa, success means completing the project within the timelines and budget set by her employer.

On the Ground Floor, success has an internal meaning.

Staying on your Ground Floor — particularly during difficult times and stressful interactions — is its own definition of success. You feel better about yourself whether anyone else knows it or not. You know what you have achieved, and you know it represents progress in developing a life that has less stress and more meaning and purpose. You are not driven by what others think of you, or by external definitions of success.

Striving, over-stressing and over-thinking are all characteristics of the Upstairs floor.

But if you stay Upstairs for long enough, the body notices. It will try to bring you back down to your Ground Floor.

When you become very stressed and overwhelmed, the body will eventually intervene. You may find you start attacking yourself.

“I am so stupid. Why did I ever think I would be able to do this role?”

Or you might attack others, as Vanessa did with her team, and at home.

Or you might find yourself crying. Vanessa cried at home and, frustratingly for her, also at work. The emotions had built up and were overflowing — the body trying to release the pent-up pressure. From there it is easy to spiral down into a Basement state of mind.

“Poor me. Nothing ever works for me. I am just not good enough. Everyone else would have been able to get the task done, and on time. I am hopeless. A failure.”

When Vanessa is crying at home and at work, being short and angry with colleagues, fighting with her partner, being impatient with her children, and criticising her own performance — all three of these interventions are on display: self-attack, attacking others, and crying.

When she spirals up higher and just wants to resign immediately, she is in her Attic. She has reached the point of no return and just wants out.

And by the time she is telling herself she is hopeless and a failure, Vanessa has fallen back into a Basement state of mind.

Many people are prone to taking things personally. This is in essence a form of self-attack. (See Clinician’s Note below.)

It would be overly simplistic to think that all the problems are of Vanessa’s making. In fact, that kind of thinking is what the House Within calls economy of thinking — a Basement characteristic. On your Ground Floor, where real and genuine thinking occurs, it is possible to feel hopeless and to feel like a failure, but to hold those feelings and still think productively. You keep in mind that other factors may be playing a role, and you continue to think about the whole context. On your Ground Floor, you see the broader picture rather than narrowing your thinking and simply blaming yourself or others in reaction to stress.

If Vanessa can find her way to her Ground Floor and do some fresh, productive thinking, she may be able to understand more clearly what is actually happening with the project, her role, and the organisation she works for.

One possibility is that she cannot do the job. She may be out of her depth. But there are other possibilities.

Vanessa’s manager may have unrealistic expectations of her role and the project.
The project may be insufficiently resourced. One person may be trying to do the work of three.
The timelines for the project may be unrealistic and need to be reviewed or renegotiated.
Or a combination of all of these.

In the counselling session, Vanessa is introduced to the House Within. As a map, it helps her get a handle on what is going on in her emotional world. With the concepts and the structure offered by the image of the House, she is able to see and understand what is happening within herself. And the vocabulary of the House Within helps her grasp what she needs to do to feel better.

At this early stage, Vanessa has only a brief introduction to the House Within approach. But because it is presented in simple, everyday language, she grasps the concepts quickly and can hold onto the structure it provides.

The five floors give her a map. She can locate where she is emotionally. That alone brings some relief.

It is very reassuring to Vanessa that someone can readily understand what is happening to her and quickly give her some emotional structure to hold onto. She is a capable person and when she is given understanding and structure, she thinks much more clearly. Knowing that everyone has five floors, and that everyone may spiral up or down at times, makes her feel normal. She does not feel alone, judged or labelled.

Her ability to think more clearly about her own capacity for the role, the issues with the project, and the organisational context she is working in, emerges from her previously overwhelmed state of mind.

Vanessa leaves with greater clarity about what she needs to do to better manage herself and the work task from her Ground Floor.

Clinician’s Note: Taking things personally

Many people take things personally — at home, at work, or in social situations. When you take things personally, you shut down your capacity to think clearly. You are no longer able to see the wider picture or assess what each factor is contributing to the situation you are struggling with.

Using a sporting analogy: taking things personally means you are no longer reading the play on the field. Your focus narrows and turns inward against yourself. It is economy of thinking — a Basement characteristic.

Remember, it is delicious to spiral downwards. It is delicious to take things personally. But when you do, you are engaged in narrow, inward thinking. You are not on your Ground Floor.

Productive thinking. We-thinking. Holding your emotions. These ways of functioning will allow you to see the full and more realistic picture of what is happening and will give you options for how to respond. Those options are not visible when you are Upstairs, in the Attic, or spiralling down into the Basement.